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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28258059">who let the evil in?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/softccore/pseuds/softccore'>softccore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mutual Pining, Tony Stark Has Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:49:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,628</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28258059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/softccore/pseuds/softccore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He made his way into the living room, to find Steve waiting for him there, judging by the way the blonde’s eyes shot up when he entered the room. God, Steve made everything so much better. Tony didn’t mind starving forever as long as Steve was there with him. Not that he was actually starving himself. (Was he?)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>who let the evil in?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tony stood up, flushed the toilet, washed his hands. <em>Stop shaking all the time</em>, he willed them, irritated. He looked in the mirror, didn’t look as bad as other days. The dark circles around his eyes were lighter, one could easily attribute them to lack of sleep.</p><p>The scale was starring at him, summoning him. <em>No, Stark, you weighed yourself last night</em>. But it was so convincing, the damn thing, so easy, to just step on it. He barely even aknowledged the number anymore, didn’t give much weight to it. Weight to it, how ironic. It had become more of a habit than anything else. Seeing the numbers go down brought him a sweet, achingly needed comfort. <em>Funny coming from you</em>, he thought, since he hadn’t tasted sweet in months.</p><p>Seconds before taking that one step on the scale, he heard the knock.</p><p>“Hey pal, you done in there?”</p><p>Barnes. It made sense, only one bathroom to share in this apartment, but still the knock took him by surprise. Tony had to admit he was getting pretty quick at it though, had mastered the process and he knew he should probably be alarmed by that, only it seemed laughable in a dark, twisted way. Still, using someone else’s bathroom this time was a new low, even for him.</p><p>“Yeah buddy, gimme a second.”</p><p>He opened the door and left in a hurry, not raising his eyes to meet Bucky’s and also hoping the smell of vomit wasn’t intense enough to give everything away.</p><p>A part of him knew that Barnes knew though. They all did. You can’t hide things like this, as much as he had tried. His excuses were much too far from convincing and closer to stupid really.</p><p>He had it under control though, he was fine.</p><p>He made his way into the living room, to find Steve waiting for him there, judging by the way the blonde’s eyes shot up when he entered the room. God, Steve made everything so much better. Tony didn’t mind starving forever as long as Steve was there with him. Not that he was actually starving himself. (Was he?)</p><p>“Tony, you’re back!” Steve’s smile when he saw Tony was so dazzling he almost stopped in his tracks. Steve's eyes gleamed, and Tony allowed himself to imagine that this was a look of love, as well as just friendship. It didn’t seem possible, but still, a little hope never hurt anyone. “You’ve got to hear this, come over here.” Steve’s hands moved to show the seat he was saving Tony right next to him.</p><p>He took the seat and the group drifted into the conversation again, and for a while, Tony was able to ignore the unforgiving, harsh pain in his empty stomach, as he was focused more on the way Steve’s hand was only inches away from his, the entire time.</p><p>The voices started becoming fewer and fewer, the loud conversation's fading as the guests started making their way home. Tony decided to stay; he always stayed. There wasn't anything to go home to anyway. Dealing with his dad was by far the worst part of his day—of his life too—and so it wasn't very hard to say yes when Steve turned to him and so sweetly asked, "You're staying, aren't you?"</p><p>Steve's place was now filled with a comfortable silence as him and Tony sat on the couch after a long day and the aftermath of washing the—huge, mind you—pile of dishes. Tony was feeling, okay, unexpectedly. He wasn't much hungrier than usual and the pain in his throat was soothed now due to the hours and hours of laughing that had followed.</p><p>Who was he kidding though, it was entirely and completely expected—there wasn't a day that he spent with Steve that he didn't feel like this. All happy and bubbly.</p><p>In fact, he was so bubbly he was dozzing in and out of sleep on Steve's couch when he heard the other boy shift in his place, sitting straight as if he was preparing for, Tony didn't know what yet, but would soon find out, he guessed. Steve nudged his arm softly, in an effort to get his attention. </p><p>"Hey, sleepyhead.” Steve whispered so delicately, even though he knew Tony wasn’t actually asleep, and it made Tony feel warm all over. What followed was as sharp as January cold, and it cut right through Tony’s heart. </p><p>“I think we should talk."</p><p>And there it was, his good day crumbling to the ground. He knew that look, and he knew excatly what Steve was going to say. He didn't need this, didn't need one more person telling him he has a problem, or that he's acting stupid and he needs to man up, <em>snap out of it</em>, in his old man's words.</p><p>He should have expected it. Steve's not blind, and he's definitely not stupid. He's actually the smartest person Tony's ever met. Still, he didn't need to hear this from him. Tony just wanted a little more happiness, a little more of the pretending that everything was fine. He loved Steve, with all his heart, but this was different. This was Tony's life, it was his body, and he didn't want to hear another person call him crazy again. So he braced himself for it.</p><p>"What's got you so serious, Rogers?"</p><p>Steve was composed, like always. He almost hid the bitting of his lip perfectly and if Tony didn't know him so well, he might have missed it. "I think, you should, get some help."</p><p>Steve's words struck him. Imagining it and hearing it were two very different things, he realised. One part of him, the biggest one, wanted to get up and walk out, but this was Steve, and he would never do anything to hurt Steve, not really. If love was a trap, then he had fallen right in, welcoming the fall even, with open arms.</p><p>So he opted for the easiest choice instead. "What for?" </p><p>"Don't do this, Tony. I know. I've noticed. All of it, every single thing."</p><p>Steve's treacherous eyes betrayed he was hurting, yet he was still collected. The calm <em>despite</em> the storm.</p><p>One more lie. He could do this. "It's fine, Steve. I appreciate the sentiment, really, but I'm fine." By that point, he had completely mastered his fake smile. "I <em>won't</em> be fine if I'm late at home though so I gotta–", Tony moved to get up and Steve touched his wrist, making sure he wasn't hurting him. Finally losing his composure, he pleaded.</p><p>"No, Tony, don't go. Please. I'm not mad at you, I'm not blaming you for anything. Listen to me, please."</p><p>Tony sat back down. There was only so much he could do when it came to Steve.</p><p>"You're not fine, Tony. You've got a problem. And you need help. There's nothing wrong with that, sweetheart."</p><p>Tony would be lying, if he said his brain didn't short circuit at the pet name for a second, but he had bigger things to worry about at the moment. "I've got it under control. You've got nothing to worry about, Steve. I'm a big boy." His words sounded fake even to his own ears. Exhausted as he was, Tony didn't know how much he could keep the bravado up.</p><p>"All I do is worry. You are hurting yourself. Putting yourself in danger, missing out on your own life. You look weaker and weaker by the day, and I—I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry I was so late to catch up on it. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."</p><p>"No, I'm sorry."</p><p>Tony broke. He couldn't lie anymore. Didn’t want to lie. This was Steve, for God's sake, his best friend. He was so tired of hiding and tip toeing around him. And the lying, the lying was exhausting. "I had no idea it would get that bad, I swear, I was just—"</p><p>He realised he was crying now, and hell, this was such a mess.</p><p>"I know. I know, Tony." Steve wiped Tony's wet cheeks and took his hands on his own. "You didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fault, at all. We can still fix this, we're going to get you some help, and it's going to be hard, but you’re so strong, Tony. It's going to be okay, you'll see–" Steve was crying now too. "We're going to have a great life, shellhead. I'll take you on a proper date, we'll visit the beach house just like we did last summer. But you've gotta work with me Tony, you've got to try. You have to try, please."</p><p><em>I love him so much</em>, Tony's heart nearly burst with the thought, and he realised he <em>did</em> want to fight. He wanted to go for pizza with the team again, he wanted to fit into his workshop clothes and to stop skipping face timing with Rhodey every Sunday. He wanted to have a life with Steve, an actual life where he wasn't a ghost, he was a person. To feel hungry without feeling shame. To eat. To live.</p><p>"Okay."<br/><br/>It was going to be hard. He knew, but missing out on the lives of everyone he loved was harder. He owed it to them to try. He owed it to himself.<br/><br/>Steve burst into the biggest smile. He moved slowly to cup Tony's cheek and kiss his forehead, a pure act of adoration and relief.</p><p>Months later, when Tony craved pancakes for their first date, Steve held his hand and ordered them for him. They ate them over sweet talks and soft background music, and that was that. And god, were they delicious, but definitely not nearly as sweet as his boyfriend. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i understand everyone’s experience with eating disorder is different, so parts of this might or might not be similar to your experience. still, if you have lived/are living through an eating disorder, no matter what form or to what extend, for me you’re the strongest person in the world, and you can do this. it’s based on my experience so parts of this might not be as well written, because of me being too emotional or not impartial enough. i love you all, thank you for reading. have an amazing day. </p><p>find me @sapphirq on instagram</p></blockquote></div></div>
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